


I am the fire, you are the rain

by phrynne



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pining, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 20:38:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12116793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phrynne/pseuds/phrynne
Summary: I take him, and of course I’m already hard, I’m fire, he’s the rain, battering my skin.





	I am the fire, you are the rain

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by: 
> 
> "I'm the rush of a bleeding heart  
> I'm the bruise of a rough start  
> I'm the dust that ignites the spark  
> Oh, man, I was dark  
> They say that I'm blue like the night sky  
> That I'm too weird to live, too rare to die  
> I tried to blow my mind a million times  
> But I got a light
> 
> I am the fire and you are the rain  
> Washing me out, you drown my flame
> 
> I'm a prisoner on the run  
> I am the moon that reflects the sun  
> I am unbeaten and I am unwon  
> Oh, man, I was alone  
> They say that I'm new, that I'm evergreen  
> That I will rage against the machine  
> I am never something in between  
> But I got a light"  
> Adam Lambert - The Light
> 
> Disclaimer: Characters belong, of course, to JK Rowling.

I’m on a path to self-destruction. I’ve tried everything: jumping in front of curses, taking hexes to the heart, all my Auror reckless behaviour throwing me to St. Mungos on a weekly basis. I’m scarred, more than I ever was, parts of my body hurt all the time, adrenaline runs through my veins, magic burns on my fingers, and I’m more powerful now than when I defeated him and still it’s not enough. So I try all the usuals: drugs, alcohol, potion abuse, smoking and mindless fucks, the more rough the better. It started with a fury for living, a burning desire to have everything I never had. To live on some kind of edge, since I don’t know how else to live. But, apparently, nothing can kill me. It’s like I’m invincible. Too weird to live, to rare to die. I’m seeking out a way to feel something, something other than this, something that can actually _break_ me.

No one really knows how dark it became at one point. Not even my best friends. _Especially not_ my best friends. I’ll never tell them. I only told Sirius and he’s gone. I’ve left a trail of dead behind me, ever since I was born. It’s worse than a curse, and no one gets it. No one gets that _he_ might be gone, but I’m the one who had to die and come back. No one gets that I’m the one staying, because I chose to, and sometimes I regret that choice. No one gets that I lived with a part of him for so long, that now I feel incomplete. It’s not like I miss him, no. It’s just that I don’t know who I am without a mission, and he was always my mission, the only reason I needed to keep on going, no matter what. While he lived, I had to. Now he’s gone. And I’m still here. I can’t let them know that I’m like this, some part of me is bruised beyond repair, some other part keeps the hero role going, like I can’t stop myself, like I don’t know what else to be.

But I’m not who they think I am. Something refuses to die in me, something keeps on burning, a need, a want I can’t shut down, no matter how hard I try. And I don’t know what it is, just that it reaps me open. Just that I can’t stop looking for it. Death doesn’t appeal to me, even though I search for destruction. I search for it in naked bodies, anonymous, unknown. I give myself to everyone. A night with the Saviour is an easy thing to have, it isn’t even newsworthy now, because I’m easy like that. Just say so and you can have me, I’m all yours. But sex is not enough. I still burn. I still yearn for some nameless thing.

One night I see him, and something collapses. I haven’t seen him in a long time, and I didn’t know I wanted to. We have nothing to say to each other, it’s all been said and done, we don’t like each other and still I’m walking over, like he holds all the answers, all the cards. My heart lodges on my throat when he looks at me. I remember fire, almost dying, I remember almost killing him, and all the guilt I’m carrying, and it’s something, it’s something that breaks me. He doesn’t say anything, he’s there, we’re trapped in the heat of each other, and I don’t want to think of the irony in all this, that he could be the one to break me. I just have to know if he is the one. My hands are on him. For a split second I expect him to hex me, but he doesn’t, his teeth sink into my neck and wildly I think he doesn’t know who I am, it’s too dark, maybe he thinks I’m just some bloke in a club, but then he steps back, the lights shift and I catch a glimpse of hungry grey eyes and I have no doubt he knows who I am. And he has a look on his face, a look I could never ignore, not in a million years. He wants me.

I take him, and of course I’m already hard, I’m fire, he’s the rain, battering my skin. My mind breaks into a thousand pieces and his body is pliant under my hands, like liquid desire, he leans into every touch, he opens for me, he lets go oh so easily, and we crash together. I scream when I come, and I can’t believe the sound he makes then. He comes against me, shaking, beautiful. Just like this, he washes away every thought, every moment before his mouth takes mine, and suddenly I’m alive. I break.

  
***

  
I should be surprised that I’m alive. At first I was, now I’ve accepted it. I don’t think too much of it, I shut off all the voices that put me down and grab life in my hands like I never did before. I don’t care about my name, I never want to go back to who I was. So I run. They can never control me again. I survived, I’m unbeaten still. I’m proud of my scars: the one that almost killed me, the one that marks all my bad decisions. I won’t hide them. They can all know who I am, what I did. I’m not defined by it, and I don’t care. I’ll never make it right. I dance to oblivion. Everyone can have me, and no one does. I’m looking for something, something to break me, to fill me. I try out different cocks, but none is enough, none splits me open like I want to, none makes me feel like I’m fleeing that wild Fiendfyre, my back burning, my blood rushing in my ears. None makes me feel like I’m bleeding to death, hanging by a thread. Only he did. But I can’t wish for him. He’s the one thing I could never have.

So I don’t get it when he’s there, one night, green eyes, wandering hands, and he’s on me. I want to ask, but the music is so loud and then his tongue is reaping my mouth and it’s fire all over. Maybe he doesn’t know who I am, but then… his eyes are on me, and I know he knows. And, strangely enough, he wants me.

No one shines like him, I feel like I’m hit by the light of a fucking star, maybe the sun. Why does he want me - this is something I’ll never get. Maybe it’s the same reason I want him: because we could never be, we’re impossible, we’re an insane dream, we could never work, we belong in a tale that doesn’t end well, it doesn’t even begin.

But he’s so real when he presses me against the wall, his body so warm and desperate, his hand is on my cock, insistent, his mouth tastes like I could come in a minute, and I cling to him, I don’t think - because this will never make sense, I accept it. It’s just a crazy night out of this world. The one night I get to have him, because he would never have me in bright morning light and I don’t know who I’d be in crude light, so I have to have him, now, hold on to what I can, my hands going down on him, he’s so hard, he presses against me, I forget to breathe and then we’re fucking, fucking against a wall, in a dark club, me and him, the ones that could never be, and this can’t be real, his fingers are in me, pushing, his mouth fucking me open, he moans my name like a prayer, like he needs me, and I give it to him, all that’s left. We push and pull against each other, our bodies somehow making sense of this madness.

He makes a sweet sound that shatters me, and then he’s coming, I’m coming, I’m fleeing the fire again, I’m dying at his hands. And I’m alive, so alive. I drown in his fire.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you like it? Your comments really mean a lot to me. Thank you for reading.


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